An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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