so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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