alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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