New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
