Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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