why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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