I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
