it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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