like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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