I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
