You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
