I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
