my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
