Im at strip club and am horny
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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