I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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