I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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