the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
