Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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