there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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