New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You may now shotgun with the bride
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
