so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
