I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
