I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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