He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
