I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
There's always time for handjobs
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize