You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
