Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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