So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Panties = found
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
