I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
