i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
