I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
