This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
