cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Can you repeat that, but with context?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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