i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
