If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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