I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
