I just saw a hot homeless man
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
