New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
