Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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