my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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