a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
