no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
