hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
If I die, sorry about rent.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
