we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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