I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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