btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
We smell like vodka and hangover
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