i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My ass is underappreciated
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
