how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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