Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
