i was born a porn star she said
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
