I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
The ass gains better be worth it
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
