Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
