I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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