party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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