Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
