I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
