I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
