Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Dignity is for republicans.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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