It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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