I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
