The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
